conversation snippets of the last few days

Waiting at the dentist office, there was a basket full of kids books and a coffee table with ladies magazines and celebrity rags. I tell the kids to pick out a book. Z immediately goes to the pile of mags and picks out "Trash Weekly"  with a big picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini all over the cover and says, "Read me THIS!"
"Why?" I ask. His little eyes are all lit up. He loudly proclaims:
"Because Mum! She is so beautiful! She has her belly button sticking out and she has her boobies sticking out! I like her! I want to read about her!"
No words managed to come to me at that moment.

E looks over, unimpressed. "She is walking around in her underpants. I would not do that." Then a different Trash Weekly catches her eye.
"Oh! Look, Mum, she is hurt! What happened? Poor lady!" E was looking at a sloshed Christina Aguilara with lipstick smeared all over her face. "What happened to her, Mum! Oh what HAPPENED?"
'Looks like she fell over and face-planted or something kiddo..."I answer." Her shoes must have been too big. Lets read that Doctor Seuss book over there."

simultaneously: "NO!"

The receptionists are all snickering.
Thank you  American Culture trash for never leaving me alone.



The other night right in the middle of setting the table, E stops and turn to me and says,"Sometimes I wonder why I even exist."
then she adds, "It gives me creeps when I think about it."
I say, "I have thoughts like that too sometimes, we all do. You want to hear the name for those thoughts? They are called existential thoughts. Cool eh?"
She just looks at me.


We were looking at you tube videos and the side panel had this ad running where a fat lady turned skinny over and over. E turns to me and says, "Mum! Don't you think you want to do that?"
"But I'm not fat!" I reply.
"You're not skinny either." she says.

Another time on the Internet another running ad; this time with a side by side of a wrinkled face next to a wrinkle free version.
E: 'Oh! MUM! You should get this!"
Me: "But I'm not old!"
"No, Mum, you are."

I walked thought the house. My socks were sticking to the floor. I touched a wall, it was sticky. The  backs of the chairs were sticky, the remote was sticky. Door nobs: sticky. stairs: sticky. Toilet seat: sticky. everything; sticky. Turns out Z had tried to enhance his already considerable super powers with the secret ingredient of honey. He had pored it on his hands and off he went, bestowing all that he touched with glorious, sticky honey. 'It helps me climb walls." He claims.


E clasped her hands to her breast one day and widened her eyes at me:
"I... I just think, that something deep inside me is Frrrrrrench, Mama. RRrrrrrrthat is why RrrrrI
am SpRrrrrreaking FRRRrrrrrrrrrrench all the Trrrrrrrime. I shall harrrrrrrrve to tell Darrrrrrrrrrrddy when he grrrrrrrrrrets homerrrrrrrrr."

Z:  "If I poop really fast, I don't have to wipe my bum!!"
Me: "Get back in the bathroom."

We were talking at the dinner table about being kind and generous. E wanted to cite an example:
"So you see, Mum, I am so kind and generous that I am not telling you that I don't like this food. AT ALL! I really don't like it. But, I am so kind and generous that I am eating it anyway, even though I DON"T LIKE IT AT ALL. That is how kind and generous I am." Then she literally closes her eyes and clasps her hands, with a noble, yet long suffering smile and says to herself, "I am really so generous."